My Inescapable Life

2006-01-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

It never really gets any easier does it? For anyone reading this and for those of you who dont know, I have been trying to get over a 4 years relationship with the girl I thought I was gonna marry. The proverbial shit hit the fan and that was that - kinda - except for the fact that I had just moved one street and about 1000 yards away from her, and had left behind everything I knew and loved to do so. So now I am stuck in anew place that I have no real connection to other than her, and have been battling with the throws of post-relationship depression. I work nearly constantly at a job that I took so I could build a better life for the both of us - and something which I would never have otherwise taken on - and so now I am stuck in that as well.

But, ya know, I am a resilliant kinda guy, and I can get past most anything - or at least try and fill up my thoughts with other things as to not think about it all so much. And as such, I managed to meet this absolutely wonderful girl. Her name is Charlotte and she is everything I could want in another person. She is incredibly insightful and has a lot of common sense - which means a lot to me as that not many people do. She is dedicated and hard-working, she is really friendly and caring, and she has strong personal values. Plus, she likes just about everything I do - we went to see a movie and saw that Ice Age 2 was coming out, and she was all like, "Oh my god! Ice Age is my favorite movie, thats so great!! I love these animations... they're the best" Okay, so to some people that might be just idle chit-chat, but to me - an animator, and one who LOVES animation much more than most - that was the greatest thing she could have told me. Of course then, after hanging with her a few more times, I have come to realize that she enjoys refinishing furniture, fixing up houses/apartments/living spaces, has an excellent sense of antique beauty, understands WHAT and antique IS, loves camping, is an opinionated and concerned political activist, loves cats and has 2 very nice ones, wants to learn to play the guitar, loves movies, loves music, loves CAMPING... oh god, I am getting excited just typing about this girl. She really rocks my world. Oh, and did I mention that she is damn fine? And she makes me smile - alot. And, oh shit... almost forgot - she drinks Scotch!!! and smokes. Umm.. yeah, I'll leave that one to the imagination. Basically though, I spend every day in a daze at work because I am hoping to see her that night when I get out.

So whats my problem you ask? Its me. I am such a fucking pussy, and I blame my ex for that. I would never replace blame on anyone for my shortcomings in life, but she has done quite a number on me. In fact, all of the girls that I have really cared for in my life have had a psrt in this - by making me think one thing, and then pulling the carpet out from under me almost every time to the point I am scared to stand back up again. And so I have found myself with this wonderful person in my life, wondering if pursuing anything but a friendship is worth it to me. I would be absolutely perfectly fine with just being friends with this girl, but I need to establish that thats whats happening, else I am likely to go insane. But I dont wanna go and screw shit up by telling her I like her more than as friends. So what do I do? Run the risk of losing her as a friend - nay, as my ONLY friend here in this new place for the hope that she feels the same way? Or do I let it ride and really establish a great friendship, but one that is based on hidden feelings? I alomst feel like I am lying to her by not telling her - and I do not count myself as a liar. I say whats on my mind, but here again is where that ex of mine really screwed me up. I would tell her what was on my mind and it would be like the end of the world... And so because of her, I have learned to internalize things even more, which causes this ticking-time-bomb effect, and will ultimately be my undoing.

Anyways, things have been better than usual as that I get to hang out with Charlotte a few times a week and get to learn more and more about her everytime. But I have been having dreams as of late about the ex and we all know what dreams can do... and then I was out tonite looking for Charlotte and drove past the ex's car, which meant that she was in the bar with her new boyfriend (and I believe to be fiance) having a grand old time, not even remotely thinking about me... She doesnt care anyways... never really did I dont think. But it would be nice to feel some sort of meaningful love again. Even if its just from a friend. Or even the ex.

Oh well... what can ya do? Right?

2005-12-09T23:44:00.000-08:00

Below is an email that I am contemplating sending to all of my friends. Not sure if its a good idea, but seemed pointed at teh time of writing it:

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Being all of my supposed firends and all, I was just wondering if anyone could tell me, truthfully... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

Seriously?!?!?!? I am really starting to wonder. I try my absolute fucking damdest to be as forthcoming and honest as I can with people... give every bit of myself to be the best friend I can... tear up my insides and rearrange myself to better accomodate people... change my life, change my ways, change my style so that people will feel comfortable around me, and what do i get? NOTHING. NOT A FUCKING THING. I get shit on. I get used. I get abused. I get a whole lot of hurt. I get the feeling that this stupid little planet would do MUCH MUCH better without me here. I get depressed. I dont want to carry on any longer. And very rarely do I get the feeling that I have any other purpose here than to suffer.

I am truly sorry for those people who this reaches who DO care about me. I am not really talking about you. And I DO know who you are. But I know that there are many out there that SAY they care, and dont really give a god damn. Why wont people tell me the fucking TRUTH??? Is it that fucking hard? Just say, "Nick, I dont fucking like you. Fuck off." It would of course be nice if, unlike certain people from my past, you gave me a reason like, say... You are too overbearing, or, you are too honest, or, I'm too much of a fucking spaceshot to deal with your kind of commitment to friendship... or something of the sort, but I am frankly completely done with ever having to deal with anybody bullshitting me ever again, even if it is to pad me from the hurtful truth that you just dont give a damn. Honestly, I will be happier knowing that you are just too plain fucking weak to deal with being friends with me than having to hear bullshit lines that I KNOW arent the truth as you dodge your way around having to fess up to reality. And for those of you who DO do that, and do it because you dont wanna hurt me... I've got news for ya... in the long and short run of it all... it HURTS WAY MORE. WAY WAY WAY more. Cuz not only do you think so little of me that you feel sorry for me, but you are also LYING to me, which real friends should never do to one another.

The truth be told, friends, I am at the end of my rope. I hate the stupid town I live in. I came here for one reason and one reason only and I was stupid to ever think that that mattered. I do like my apartment, but I really wish it were somewhere else. I hate my life as it stands. I hate everything I have come to believe in and everything that I have worked for, because NONE of it matters now. I hate trying to go out and meet more people who will invariably reject me and make me feel even worse about myself. I hate my job. I hate waking up in the morning and I hate going to sleep every night. And I hate everything inbetween. Yeah, we all have our problems, we all have our demons, and we all suffer in many of the same ways. But I cant understand how I have put so much effort into my life just to have it all suck so fucking badly. I have NEVER felt this way. NEVER. There has always been some kind of retreat, some kind of hope. But I have none now. And it pisses me off and makes me really really sad, and then pisses me off again, but I can do nothing about it. I wish I could end it all, but then I know that there are those people who really do care about me who I would be leaving behind and who I would make to suffer, which goes against my fundamental beliefs. So I am trapped in the worst life I can imagine. Yes, I have my health. Yes, I have people who care about me and support me. But thats it. And I am not taking all of that for granted, cuz I know that thats more than others have even. But It hurts soooo bad, I can't even begin to tell you how much.

Now, I know that this may seem like a cry for help, but its not. If anything, its a cry for truth. Like I said, I am sick of the lies, no matter how well intended they are. And to quote my most favorite movie, "I can smell a lie like a fart in a car, my dear". Its not that hard actually... a moment's hesitation, change in tonality, and a search of trying to find the words that will least likely offend the listener. Or waiting out a period of time that dictates the timeframe of which something can happen, only to report that time is up, "maybe next time". Yeah... for those who have done that to me, you are more transparent to me than air. Sorry, better luck "next time". I am too old to deal with this shit. I have too much invested in what I call friendship to think for one moment that it is wrong in some way. And maybe its my fault. In fact it probably is. Maybe I am supposed to tell people to fuck off more myself. Maybe I am supposed to not give a hoot or a hollar about how people feel, or what they like, or how they like to interact with other people, or engage them in any way that will allow them to believe that I WANT to be their friend. Maybe I am too fucking nice? Maybe I have it all wrong when I think that a friend once is a friend forever - barring any specific incidents, of course. Or that the connections I make with people are anything but biased. Hell maybe thats it, maybe I need to be biased. Take sides, pick my team, and to hell with everyone else, no matter what they have meant to me in the past. WHAT IS IT??? Someone please tell me.

So to tell you all the truth... I am fed up. Stick a fork in me, cuz I am done. Maybe this will illicit a response, maybe it wont. But I am not sure I care anymore. This dumb little rock floating in space has finally broken me. Is there hope for humanity? I sure hope so, for the folks who I care about, who care about me. But otherwise, I doubt it. All of the ideals of yesteryear, the hopes, the dreams, the romance, the commitment to love and peace and the joy of living has all fallen to videogames and reality shows. Victims of countless self-help guides and psychologists all claiming to be the foremost authority in dealing with these things. Individual thought has become as ancient as your sun. Though just as important to life here on earth. And all of it collides with inexplicable brilliance and chaos as our lives, deviant by nature, fade away into the nothingness of confusion. FUCK IT ALL.

2005-12-05T15:10:00.000-08:00

nYeah... I'm a web designer, so when I wanna post something online, I usually just make a website for it, but I figured I would put this up, if for nothing else than to have a place where I can put my thoughts, of which I have many, regardless of whether anyone else is reading this.

So here it goes..

On people:
I just dont get people. I am, lets say for the sake of conversation, not from here. And while I consider myself to actually 'get' people more than most, it still baffles me why certain people choose to act and think the ways that they do. More often than not, you will invariably find me talking about my ex girlfriend - who meant absolutely everything to me. She was my morning, noon, and night. She was everything that I wasnt, but wanted to be. And because I did things wrong, she left me. And now I am alone... scared and constantly depressed with my situation. And hers. I made the atrocious mistake of moving to her town to be closer to her and finding an awesome apartment that is unmistakably exactly one street up from hers. Dumb and awesome all in one. See, I have NEVER understood why people feel the need to drop people and parts of their lives to be able to move on. And so it bothers me that people like my ex, and her family who I adore, can just flip a switch and turn me off. Did I mean ANYTHING to them? Surely they can see that I put my utmost into the relationship - leaving the life that I knew and loved, leaving behind friends, moving to a place where I knew no one, starting a job that we all knew sucked but would be a means to an end - an end where the ex and I would be taken care of forever, that every decision I made was for the embetterment of what we had, that I never once did anything that would have led them to believe that I was only in this for my own personal gain.. but apparently they didn't. I have ruled it out to one main explination... avoidance and/or denial. See they (the collective ex and her family/friends) are masters of creating scenarios which don't actually exist, and then pouring so much energy and emotion into them that they actually start to believe it. And then by way of time, it eventually becomes fact to them... and they do not deviate from 'facts'.

Let me, for the moment, tell you a story about mooses. The ex had a certain obsession with them, mostly because she has never seen one. But She has this thing about seeing one, strident in displaying it's utmost moose-ness, atop a jutting boulder, overlooking the flora and fauna below - resplendent in its glory and immune to the worries of normal moose life. Now, I was a bit more verbose than she would have been about it, but that was the impression she instilled in me when she first told me. So for years, we have been hoping to see a moose together, or at the very least have a chance to catch a glimpse. We have discussed habitat and lifestyle, and she SWORE that moose were vicious. I assured her that they were not in fact vicious, but that if you crossed them at the wrong time or wrong place, you would most likely be in for some trouble. Not the kind of blood-thirsty, maul-you-for-the-sake-of-mauling-you vengeance that she was talking about. And she then swore that I was wrong. Okay, well... after we broke up, we were hanging out and the topic came up again... and she was wondering what she should do if she ever came across a moose in the woods (or apparently at the top of a large rock). I said that if a moose was charging you, it would probably be best to run away, and duck behind a large tree or rock to avoid the mauling. See... I think logically in ALL situations. And I know that moose, though I have only ever seen 2 or 3 myself, are big and clumsy. And that I am not. I am certain that they could outrun me, but it was a logically deduced thought of mine that hey, if a moose was charging me, there is no way in hell it could out manuver me, so why not run, and then quickly duck in behind a tree. It would take a ton of moose at least a few feet to stop and change directions, right? Well... she didnt believe me. She said that that didnt sound right, and where did I hear that from. Cuz if it came from a book, a filed guide, or even my good buddy Matt Natti (who is the master of the outdoors), it would then be credible. But because it was coming from me, who had never experienced running away from a raging moose before, it couldn't POSSIBLY be right - nevermind all of the physics involved. So, slightly taken aback, we went upstairs together and looked it up on this internet thing, and then most credible site that we found said EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. Almost verbatim.

So why the moose story? Because it underlines a fundamental flaw with people. And furthermore, it illustrates just how I was made to feel in that relationship. Always trying to help or get the answers to questions that were a burden for her, but constantly being shot down for being too curious, or 'thinking I was right all the time', or questioning things that needn't be questioned. When all it looked like was that, no matter how right I was, I clearly had to be wrong if only for the sake of me being wrong. Maybe thats my fault. Maybe I shouldnt care so much about learning. Maybe my learned intelligence is what scares people away from me. Maybe its my curiosity. Maybe its that I am just not... for sake of conversation... from here.

more to come soon...