nYeah... I'm a web designer, so when I wanna post something online, I usually just make a website for it, but I figured I would put this up, if for nothing else than to have a place where I can put my thoughts, of which I have many, regardless of whether anyone else is reading this.

So here it goes..

On people:
I just dont get people. I am, lets say for the sake of conversation, not from here. And while I consider myself to actually 'get' people more than most, it still baffles me why certain people choose to act and think the ways that they do. More often than not, you will invariably find me talking about my ex girlfriend - who meant absolutely everything to me. She was my morning, noon, and night. She was everything that I wasnt, but wanted to be. And because I did things wrong, she left me. And now I am alone... scared and constantly depressed with my situation. And hers. I made the atrocious mistake of moving to her town to be closer to her and finding an awesome apartment that is unmistakably exactly one street up from hers. Dumb and awesome all in one. See, I have NEVER understood why people feel the need to drop people and parts of their lives to be able to move on. And so it bothers me that people like my ex, and her family who I adore, can just flip a switch and turn me off. Did I mean ANYTHING to them? Surely they can see that I put my utmost into the relationship - leaving the life that I knew and loved, leaving behind friends, moving to a place where I knew no one, starting a job that we all knew sucked but would be a means to an end - an end where the ex and I would be taken care of forever, that every decision I made was for the embetterment of what we had, that I never once did anything that would have led them to believe that I was only in this for my own personal gain.. but apparently they didn't. I have ruled it out to one main explination... avoidance and/or denial. See they (the collective ex and her family/friends) are masters of creating scenarios which don't actually exist, and then pouring so much energy and emotion into them that they actually start to believe it. And then by way of time, it eventually becomes fact to them... and they do not deviate from 'facts'.

Let me, for the moment, tell you a story about mooses. The ex had a certain obsession with them, mostly because she has never seen one. But She has this thing about seeing one, strident in displaying it's utmost moose-ness, atop a jutting boulder, overlooking the flora and fauna below - resplendent in its glory and immune to the worries of normal moose life. Now, I was a bit more verbose than she would have been about it, but that was the impression she instilled in me when she first told me. So for years, we have been hoping to see a moose together, or at the very least have a chance to catch a glimpse. We have discussed habitat and lifestyle, and she SWORE that moose were vicious. I assured her that they were not in fact vicious, but that if you crossed them at the wrong time or wrong place, you would most likely be in for some trouble. Not the kind of blood-thirsty, maul-you-for-the-sake-of-mauling-you vengeance that she was talking about. And she then swore that I was wrong. Okay, well... after we broke up, we were hanging out and the topic came up again... and she was wondering what she should do if she ever came across a moose in the woods (or apparently at the top of a large rock). I said that if a moose was charging you, it would probably be best to run away, and duck behind a large tree or rock to avoid the mauling. See... I think logically in ALL situations. And I know that moose, though I have only ever seen 2 or 3 myself, are big and clumsy. And that I am not. I am certain that they could outrun me, but it was a logically deduced thought of mine that hey, if a moose was charging me, there is no way in hell it could out manuver me, so why not run, and then quickly duck in behind a tree. It would take a ton of moose at least a few feet to stop and change directions, right? Well... she didnt believe me. She said that that didnt sound right, and where did I hear that from. Cuz if it came from a book, a filed guide, or even my good buddy Matt Natti (who is the master of the outdoors), it would then be credible. But because it was coming from me, who had never experienced running away from a raging moose before, it couldn't POSSIBLY be right - nevermind all of the physics involved. So, slightly taken aback, we went upstairs together and looked it up on this internet thing, and then most credible site that we found said EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. Almost verbatim.

So why the moose story? Because it underlines a fundamental flaw with people. And furthermore, it illustrates just how I was made to feel in that relationship. Always trying to help or get the answers to questions that were a burden for her, but constantly being shot down for being too curious, or 'thinking I was right all the time', or questioning things that needn't be questioned. When all it looked like was that, no matter how right I was, I clearly had to be wrong if only for the sake of me being wrong. Maybe thats my fault. Maybe I shouldnt care so much about learning. Maybe my learned intelligence is what scares people away from me. Maybe its my curiosity. Maybe its that I am just not... for sake of conversation... from here.

more to come soon...