Below is an email that I am contemplating sending to all of my friends. Not sure if its a good idea, but seemed pointed at teh time of writing it:

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Being all of my supposed firends and all, I was just wondering if anyone could tell me, truthfully... WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????

Seriously?!?!?!? I am really starting to wonder. I try my absolute fucking damdest to be as forthcoming and honest as I can with people... give every bit of myself to be the best friend I can... tear up my insides and rearrange myself to better accomodate people... change my life, change my ways, change my style so that people will feel comfortable around me, and what do i get? NOTHING. NOT A FUCKING THING. I get shit on. I get used. I get abused. I get a whole lot of hurt. I get the feeling that this stupid little planet would do MUCH MUCH better without me here. I get depressed. I dont want to carry on any longer. And very rarely do I get the feeling that I have any other purpose here than to suffer.

I am truly sorry for those people who this reaches who DO care about me. I am not really talking about you. And I DO know who you are. But I know that there are many out there that SAY they care, and dont really give a god damn. Why wont people tell me the fucking TRUTH??? Is it that fucking hard? Just say, "Nick, I dont fucking like you. Fuck off." It would of course be nice if, unlike certain people from my past, you gave me a reason like, say... You are too overbearing, or, you are too honest, or, I'm too much of a fucking spaceshot to deal with your kind of commitment to friendship... or something of the sort, but I am frankly completely done with ever having to deal with anybody bullshitting me ever again, even if it is to pad me from the hurtful truth that you just dont give a damn. Honestly, I will be happier knowing that you are just too plain fucking weak to deal with being friends with me than having to hear bullshit lines that I KNOW arent the truth as you dodge your way around having to fess up to reality. And for those of you who DO do that, and do it because you dont wanna hurt me... I've got news for ya... in the long and short run of it all... it HURTS WAY MORE. WAY WAY WAY more. Cuz not only do you think so little of me that you feel sorry for me, but you are also LYING to me, which real friends should never do to one another.

The truth be told, friends, I am at the end of my rope. I hate the stupid town I live in. I came here for one reason and one reason only and I was stupid to ever think that that mattered. I do like my apartment, but I really wish it were somewhere else. I hate my life as it stands. I hate everything I have come to believe in and everything that I have worked for, because NONE of it matters now. I hate trying to go out and meet more people who will invariably reject me and make me feel even worse about myself. I hate my job. I hate waking up in the morning and I hate going to sleep every night. And I hate everything inbetween. Yeah, we all have our problems, we all have our demons, and we all suffer in many of the same ways. But I cant understand how I have put so much effort into my life just to have it all suck so fucking badly. I have NEVER felt this way. NEVER. There has always been some kind of retreat, some kind of hope. But I have none now. And it pisses me off and makes me really really sad, and then pisses me off again, but I can do nothing about it. I wish I could end it all, but then I know that there are those people who really do care about me who I would be leaving behind and who I would make to suffer, which goes against my fundamental beliefs. So I am trapped in the worst life I can imagine. Yes, I have my health. Yes, I have people who care about me and support me. But thats it. And I am not taking all of that for granted, cuz I know that thats more than others have even. But It hurts soooo bad, I can't even begin to tell you how much.

Now, I know that this may seem like a cry for help, but its not. If anything, its a cry for truth. Like I said, I am sick of the lies, no matter how well intended they are. And to quote my most favorite movie, "I can smell a lie like a fart in a car, my dear". Its not that hard actually... a moment's hesitation, change in tonality, and a search of trying to find the words that will least likely offend the listener. Or waiting out a period of time that dictates the timeframe of which something can happen, only to report that time is up, "maybe next time". Yeah... for those who have done that to me, you are more transparent to me than air. Sorry, better luck "next time". I am too old to deal with this shit. I have too much invested in what I call friendship to think for one moment that it is wrong in some way. And maybe its my fault. In fact it probably is. Maybe I am supposed to tell people to fuck off more myself. Maybe I am supposed to not give a hoot or a hollar about how people feel, or what they like, or how they like to interact with other people, or engage them in any way that will allow them to believe that I WANT to be their friend. Maybe I am too fucking nice? Maybe I have it all wrong when I think that a friend once is a friend forever - barring any specific incidents, of course. Or that the connections I make with people are anything but biased. Hell maybe thats it, maybe I need to be biased. Take sides, pick my team, and to hell with everyone else, no matter what they have meant to me in the past. WHAT IS IT??? Someone please tell me.

So to tell you all the truth... I am fed up. Stick a fork in me, cuz I am done. Maybe this will illicit a response, maybe it wont. But I am not sure I care anymore. This dumb little rock floating in space has finally broken me. Is there hope for humanity? I sure hope so, for the folks who I care about, who care about me. But otherwise, I doubt it. All of the ideals of yesteryear, the hopes, the dreams, the romance, the commitment to love and peace and the joy of living has all fallen to videogames and reality shows. Victims of countless self-help guides and psychologists all claiming to be the foremost authority in dealing with these things. Individual thought has become as ancient as your sun. Though just as important to life here on earth. And all of it collides with inexplicable brilliance and chaos as our lives, deviant by nature, fade away into the nothingness of confusion. FUCK IT ALL.